Where Have I Gone?

Wow. I definitely just disappeared altogether from this blog, for a long time. I suppose there are a lot of reasons for that. Life has been crazy (i.e. pretty sucky) this year. But rather than launch into why that is, I'm going to ease back into blogging by starting with another Wednesday's Random Dozen:

1. Have you ever fired a gun or shot a bow and arrow?
Yes to both. I own a gun, and would love to buy another one someday when I have the money to spare. I haven't shot a bow and arrow since I was a kid, but I always loved it. I think it would be really fun to go bow hunting someday (even though I've never gone hunting at all, so I really don't know).

2. Do you know where your childhood best friends are?
Thanks to Facebook, yes. Most of my childhood friends are now married, some have kids, a few have moved away. The girl I was best friends with all through high school is now divorced, and still lives in the same city as me, but we don't talk to each other. 

3. Do you usually arrive early, late, or on time?
I'm usually on time or early, especially for something important. I hate being late or keeping people waiting.

4. Are you more of a New York or California type?
I guess California? I'm basing that largely on the fact that, while New York City is cool, it's definitely not the kind of place I would want to live. Much too big/busy for me. There are several places in California I could live, though. And I suppose I should have some loyalty to California anyway since my parents are from there and I was technically born there. :)

5. Do you have a special ring tone?
Yes I do, I just recently changed it to "Say Hey (I Love You)" by Michael Franti & Spearhead. Such a catchy song! Now if only someone would call me! I should have made it my text ringtone instead.

6. What is your favorite type of chip?
Oooooh this is a tough one. I LOVE chips. I could eat chips all day every day. Lately though I am hooked on Stacy's brand pita chips, the parmesan & garlic ones. Soooo goooooood.

7. Best comedy you’ve ever seen is ….
Movies or TV? Well actually I don't think I could narrow down a favorite of either. My favorite movie is You've Got Mail.. not sure it's the funniest though. My new favorite show is Parks & Rec. That one and Modern Family have me CRACKING UP every week. :D

8. Have you ever cut your own hair? To quote Dr. Phil, “How’d that work for ya?”
Not that I remember, though I'm sure I trimmed my own bangs at some point when I was a kid. They always looked awful anyway though. I wish someone would have told me that.

9. If you were going to have an extreme makeover, would you rather it be about your house or your personal self?
That depends who is doing the making over! I'd probably stick with house. I think to make over my personal self would be much too difficult/personal/challenging. I'm up for free furniture and decorating though. ;)

10. Are you allergic to anything?
I'm allergic to pollen, dust and cats. In the last few years my seasonal allergies haven't been that bad though, which is nice (and odd).

11. Why is it so hard to change?
Ohhh goodness. Because I'm a flawed, sinful person. Because my heart is bent toward rebellion. Because old habits die hard. I'm in the middle of trying to figure this one out in a big way in my life right now.

12. CS Lewis said, “To love is to be vulnerable.” Please share one example of that assertion or share any thought you’d like to about this topic.
In that same quote C.S. Lewis also said:

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

Absolutely true. I've given my heart away (probably too many times, and often very unwisely). And some of it I regret. But some of it I don't. I spent 4+ years of my life with a man who I was absolutely sure I would marry, and while now it is excruciatingly painful to accept the fact that we will never be together again, I do not regret loving him. We had a lot of really wonderful times together. I learned a lot about myself and about relationships, giving, patience and so much else.

To use Lewis' quote, my heart is breakable, it is penetrable, but it is also redeemable (hence the title of my blog).

Race for Sara

I am very excited about something new I have to look forward to this week:

This year, my sister and I are going to participate in a

Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure!

I decided this a couple of days ago, kind of on a whim. I saw a commercial for the Komen 3-Day, and immediately texted my sister to say that I wanted to do one with her. And fortunately, she was super excited too, so we're doing it!

I have peripherally known several people who have battled breast cancer, but I haven't experienced it in someone close to me. Unfortunately, my sister has. Her dear friend Sara was diagnosed with breast cancer in March 2009 - two days after finding out that she was pregnant (if you're interested you can check out their blog, The Sullivans. It brought me to tears many times, and I never even met them). Miraculously, Sara was able to carry the baby to term while undergoing chemotherapy, and gave birth to beautiful, healthy Chloe on September 8, 2009.

Fourteen days later, after precious time with her baby girl, God called Sara home to him.

Their blog is unbelievable. Their unwavering faith and ability to see that God works through even the most devastating situations is so powerful. This is from Brady's post on the day of Sara's passing:

"Sara is now with Jesus and for this I am thankful...and at peace! ...  It is completely clear to me that the Lord was calling Sara home at this time. No matter what her diagnosis had been, it was her time to go. She delivered our miracle baby and we spent a few days at home as a family. I have never seen Sara happier, and I feel as though those few days were like heaven on earth."

The Susan G. Komen foundation made this video about Sara for their race in Dallas last year:



I am really excited to participate in this race. We will be racing for Sara, as well as for so many other people whose lives are so affected. I have a friend whose mom is actually battling breast cancer right now, and my boyfriend's aunt also just had surgery to remove a very aggressive form of breast cancer. It's amazing how much you notice a particular issue when you look around for it.

My sister and I will most likely walk it, but I am still pumped to start working out and get in shape. I think it's going to be something really, really special for us to share together. I can't wait.

Also, I'll post on here once we get the fundraising going, so if any of you want to donate that would be awesome! :)

Sarah's husband Brady, racing for her

If you'd like to get involved... Susan G. Komen Foundation

Taken By Surprise :)

So, I disappeared there for a while! Sorry about that. Honestly, I think I just concluded that no one really cared about my blog anyway so I stopped bothering. But, while it still very well may be true that no one cares, I'm going to post again anyway. Even if just for myself. :)

Update on my life: A lot of things have happened in the past couple of months. These include:

• One of my best friends ending up in the hospital and finding out she has a serious, incurable disease. (rest assured, God is unbelievably faithful and has worked through her in a powerful way through this!)
• My car being broken into and my purse stolen, with everything important in it. Big, giant hassle. (however, thank God I work in law enforcement, because my boys sprang into action and arrested the people responsible!)
• A huge step forward towards me leading a community group (a women's Bible study group at my church), which is something I've wanted for a long time and am super excited for!
• The Ex Boyfriend coming back into the picture, to reveal to me that he is still in love with me and wants to marry me, and asking me to consider that. Not easy on the heart. Not by any stretch.
• And... most relevant to the past topics on this blog...

a new boyfriend.

That's right. God has blessed me with a wonderful man in my life. I absolutely wasn't seeking him. I was looking everywhere else (in all the wrong places, it appeared) and had my eye on other guys who I thought were what I wanted/needed. The Musician fizzled into nothingness, which is apparently all it ever was all along (silly me). Drama King Friend suddenly seemed like it might turn into something more, but I stepped out and had that awkward conversation with him, to find that it wasn't going to. But, low and behold, all the while, this man was right there patiently waiting for me. Let's call him Man Who Loves Jesus, because that is first and foremost what he is.

This man was a close friend of mine, and had asked me out back in September. I didn't feel anything for him, so I said no. And, as few men will, he honestly and whole-heartedly respected that decision. No sneaky, subtle attempts to try to change my mind or coerce me into dating him. He committed 100% to being my friend. He was intentional about caring for, loving and serving me as a sister in Christ. He displayed the qualities of a godly, servant-hearted husband, even as just a friend to me. And as a result, God changed my heart toward him. God opened my eyes to these character qualities that are so much more important than the things that I usually notice more easily. One day it occurred to me, "I have feelings for this man. I didn't used to, but now I do. I wasn't attracted to him at all, and now I am. How did that happen?!" Well: God. That's how.

So, we started dating. I had been very nervous about becoming emotionally vulnerable to someone again, and he was absolutely understanding about that. He patiently waited for me to be ready: first to go on a few dates, then to officially become his girlfriend (which he asked by saying "I would be honored to be your boyfriend, if you are ready for that. And if you aren't, I understand and that is okay." Aww!), then to go "facebook official", and even to meet my parents. Before we made anything official, he sat down with my ex boyfriend (because they are friends) and, as an honorable man should, told him face-to-face what was going on between us, so that he wouldn't hear it from anywhere else and could voice his thoughts on it. That was a horrible conversation, filled with a lot of tears -- which were later explained when The Ex Boyfriend asked me to take him back 2 weeks later -- but he endured it, because that was the right thing to do. That's the kind of man he is.

If ever I have known a man who truly exemplified Jesus, he is it. He loves me (we're not "in love" yet, but I'll keep you all posted) as Jesus loves us. He serves me as Jesus served. He absolutely forgives my past and all of my horrible sins. I have heard for years about how "a good Christian man won't see those things when he looks at you, he'll see you as Jesus does," but I don't think I ever really believed that I'd find a man like that. I was pretty certain that once I shared all of my mistakes and issues with him, he'd make a run for the door. He did not. He accepts me, with all that entails - to the point where he actually said to me the other day:

"I never expected you to be baggage free. I'm not either. But it is an honor for me to help you carry those things, because that's what Jesus did for me - he carried mine."

He loves Jesus more than he ever will love me, and that's the way it should be. Our relationship is centered on the Lord. I've never known what that looked like before, but I am learning. He's someone I can trust to lead me spiritually, because he is a mature man of the Lord.

So, for any of you out there who are still looking, and tend towards impatience and frustration like I do, be encouraged: men who truly walk with Jesus with their whole hearts are out there. They really are. I don't know whether this man will end up being my husband, but even if he doesn't, he is showing me the amazing qualities of God. I see Jesus in him. There is honestly nothing better in the world.



Also, side note, a woman at my church (the lead pastor's wife actually) has started a blog, which is awesome! Especially right now, she just did a series on dating in the church, and it's great! Check her out:

A Real Preacher's Wife in Reno

And a chill pill for the lady, please.

You know what I'm realizing lately, particularly as a result of being a single woman who is looking to date?

I can be a very obsessive, neurotic person.

And I hate it.



Current Me

 I really don't think this used to be me. I spent the majority of my teen years single, and was never bothered by it. I typically always had a mild crush on at least one person, but I remained pretty casual about it in most cases. I didn't stress out too much over who liked me or who didn't. I was mostly content to go with the flow of things when it came to men.

So, you'd think that now that I am in my mid-20's I would have matured and become even less insecure, right? Wrong (apparently). It's so frustrating. This past month has been a roller coaster of "potentials" and my constantly varying perceptions of the way they are acting toward me. I, clearly, do not understand men at all and so I'm really just making blind guesses at where they are at and what they are thinking (which is, most likely, simply nothing).

There was Musician. He started out by paying a huge amount of attention to me in the beginning, so I felt reasonably certain that he was interested. And suddenly one day, not. The last couple times I've seen him have just been very friend-ly (in a sad way). I guess I missed something. Or not? Who even knows.

And now there is... a friend. That's all I will say for now. One of my closest friends really, who I had feelings for once (3 years ago) but who I was fairly sure I only wanted to be friends with at this point. Insert one intense, 2-hour conversation about love and dating this week, and I find myself thinking about him in a different way. A lot. And wondering what that conversation meant. And trying to decide how I am supposed to act around him next time we hang out. And... you know the rest.

My mind is exhausted from all of this. I want to just relax. I want to go with the flow. I want to trust that God is taking care of my heart and will work things out in a way that is best for me. I want to stop over-analyzing every little thing and trying to assign meanings to comments or looks that probably do not mean anything at all. You can tell me to do this (all my friends have), and I can tell myself to do this, and I can honestly believe that I need to do this... but then I just don't.

Instead, I think. Wonder. Analyze. Strategize. Plan. Worry. Stress. 

And get nowhere. :-/

Ideal Me

Random Dozen

Things in my life are rather melancholy right now - and probably boring to anyone other than me - so I'm just going to blow past them and do another set of "Wednesday's Random Dozen" questions. ;)

1. Do you prefer to read the book or see the movie?
See the movie. I used to enjoy reading fiction as a kid, but now I don't so much anymore. And I LOOOOVE movies. Love love love them.

2. What is your favorite holiday and why?
CHRISTMAS!! For every reason imaginable. I love everything about it - the music, the decorations, the buying of gifts, the fresh tree! And of course, most of all, what we are celebrating: the birth of my Savior. :) I'm that person you know who is obsessed with Christmas. That's me.

3. Which do you like better - the mountains or the beach?
Hmm.. close call, but probably the mountains. I think they're beautiful, and I think the mountains have more to offer than the beach. This might also be in part because I live near Lake Tahoe, the location of the most gorgeous alpine lake (with beaches) in the world. The best of both!! :D

4. If money were no consideration, what vehicle would you drive?
Honestly, the car I drive now is probably my dream car. My parents gave it to me as a gift when I graduated college. If I had the money I'd buy a newer one, but I'd probably still stick with this model.

5. What is your favorite cold-weather beverage?
Hot apple cider. I rarely order it though, because there's such a small window of drinkability between burn-your-mouth-off-hot and grossly-cold.

6. How do you communicate most often with your friends: phone, email, text, face-to-face, or Facebook?
Text! I'm a big time fan of texting. I rarely ever talk on the phone if I can help it, except with my sister because she and I have only had the ability to text within this past year. Second place would probably go to phone or facebook. Lately though, I've gotten a lot better at initiating face-to-face time with friends.

7. How do you receive your mail? Mailbox on the porch, at the end of the driveway, down the street, or post office box?
I live in an apartment complex, so the mailboxes are all by the apartment office.

8. Of the four basic personality types - sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic, and choleric - which is your strongest? Which is your least evident? (See definitions below.)
I'd say phlegmatic is most like me. I'm probably least choleric. Side note: I have never heard of these personality types before.

9. What do you miss the most about being 20?
Ohh goodness.. I thought I had things so figured out when I was 20. I was certain I would marry the man I was dating then, which consequently meant I would only have to work for a few more years before I could start raising a family. I had so little to be concerned about, compared with my life now. So, I guess that, the sense of carefree-ness.

10. How long from the time you get up, does it take you to get ready to walk out the door in the morning?
This varies depending on whether I do my makeup or curl my hair, but it's about 45 minutes to an hour.

11. Who handles the car maintenance and pays the bills in your family?
I pay the bills, because I live alone so there's no one else to do it. ;) My dad handles the car maintenance though. I buy the oil and take my car to his house and he changes it for me. Good old Dad. :)

12. For those in the US, how many states have you visited? For those outside the US, how many provinces/other countries have you visited?
I don't know, a lot of states! I'd guess probably 15? And 7 foreign countries. My parents love to travel and have taken me to a lot of amazing places, and I'm very grateful for that.

Personality type definitions courtesy Wikipedia:

Sanguine

The Sanguine temperament personality is fairly extroverted. People of a sanguine temperament tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be quite loud. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean very sensitive, compassionate and thoughtful. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when pursuing a new hobby, interest is lost quickly when it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. For some people, these are the ones you want to be friends with and usually they become life long friends.

Choleric

A person who is choleric is a doer. They have a lot of ambition, energy, and passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were cholerics. They like to be leaders and in charge of everything.

Melancholic

A person who is a thoughtful ponderer has a melancholic disposition. Often very considerate and get rather worried when they could not be on time for events, melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become occupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. A melancholic is also often a perfectionist. They are often self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is sometimes they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others.

Phlegmatic

Phlegmatics tend to be self-content and kind. They can be very accepting and affectionate. They may be very receptive and shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. They are very consistent, relaxed, rational, curious, and observant, making them good administrators and diplomats

Wednesday's Random Dozen is hosted at 2nd Cup of Coffee

Who Will Love Me For Me?

I've been trying to think of how to verbalize some of the things I've been feeling and thinking through for the past couple of weeks... and didn't find much success. But I've been thinking a lot about this song, and I think in a way these lyrics do it for me.

I struggle with finding my identity in men, and whether the one that I want does or doesn't want me back. My mood can change at the drop of a hat based on the attention he is or isn't paying to me. What it really comes down to is, I want to be loved. For me. Just as I am. 

How refreshing it is to remember that there already is someone who loves me for me. :)

What Love Really Means

JJ and Dave Heller

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

I "Got In His Way"

As a somewhat-newly single woman (I've been single since January but really only started "dating" a few months ago), I am trying to get the hang of what it looks like to be a single woman in a Christian community. I definitely desire to find the right man and begin a relationship. And there have been a few guys here and there that I've been interested in. It's kind of awkward though, because I have really not been out "on the market" since my freshman year of college - and that was a very different environment. Meeting and getting to know people required absolutely no effort at all back in college. They were just there all the time, and people just sort of seemed to fall into relationships without even trying.

But now, I am a grown up. I work with pretty much all married men in their 30's. I don't meet new people anywhere except for at church. Even with that, there are 1300+ people at my church, so it can be difficult to really get to know someone. Fortunately, we recently went through a series on dating. My pastor is very much a matchmaker, and since our church is so young and has a lot of singles, he gave a good amount of dating advice. It basically broke down to this...

Ladies: find a man you like, and "get in his way". Continually be in the places where he's at, and eventually he will notice you.

Men: look at the women who are "in your way", find one you like, and man up and initiate something.

So, okay. I'm doing what I was told. Today I listened to a Mark Driscoll podcast from the book of Ruth (recommended by the lovely Brittany), and he discussed what a woman should do if there is a man she's interested in. What Ruth did is, she dressed nicely and looked her best, and then went to the places where he'd be at.

I did that today.

I wore a cute new sweater that I bought on my probably ill-advised shopping spree yesterday, did my eye makeup (which I don't always), and tried to look my best. I also normally attend the 7pm service at my church, but today I went to the 5pm because that is the service Musician attends. I'd say it went well. We chatted for a little bit before the service, but then had to go sit down. Afterwards, we both awkwardly lingered in the lobby talking to other people for a long time (fun tidbit, he spent a lot of this time talking to and waiting with a severely disabled man who comes to our church, and also helped him out when his ride got there - SO CUTE). I ended up sitting and chatting with a friend, and he continued to sit near me (in my girly perception it seemed he was waiting for an opening to come talk to me) for like 1/2 an hour. Unfortunately my friend was really chatty and it could have seemed rude for him to cut in and start talking to me. He eventually left. My instinct is that he did seem interested in me - he talked to me, said "It's good to see you!", smiled a lot, and I think even winked at me once. But who really knows, because he is, after all, a boy.

But, I did my part! I got in his way, just like a good Christian woman is supposed to do. It's difficult to be so patient and passive though! I am, by nature, a pretty flirtatious person. I am finding it very challenging to just sit back and wait for him to pursue me (if he chooses to). I hope he will... but in the mean time I can get pretty crazy/obsessive wondering about it.

Have any of you out there done this whole "get in his way" thing? Does it really work? (I hope so!) ;)

Just a pretty picture... maybe this will be us someday. ;)