And a chill pill for the lady, please.

You know what I'm realizing lately, particularly as a result of being a single woman who is looking to date?

I can be a very obsessive, neurotic person.

And I hate it.



Current Me

 I really don't think this used to be me. I spent the majority of my teen years single, and was never bothered by it. I typically always had a mild crush on at least one person, but I remained pretty casual about it in most cases. I didn't stress out too much over who liked me or who didn't. I was mostly content to go with the flow of things when it came to men.

So, you'd think that now that I am in my mid-20's I would have matured and become even less insecure, right? Wrong (apparently). It's so frustrating. This past month has been a roller coaster of "potentials" and my constantly varying perceptions of the way they are acting toward me. I, clearly, do not understand men at all and so I'm really just making blind guesses at where they are at and what they are thinking (which is, most likely, simply nothing).

There was Musician. He started out by paying a huge amount of attention to me in the beginning, so I felt reasonably certain that he was interested. And suddenly one day, not. The last couple times I've seen him have just been very friend-ly (in a sad way). I guess I missed something. Or not? Who even knows.

And now there is... a friend. That's all I will say for now. One of my closest friends really, who I had feelings for once (3 years ago) but who I was fairly sure I only wanted to be friends with at this point. Insert one intense, 2-hour conversation about love and dating this week, and I find myself thinking about him in a different way. A lot. And wondering what that conversation meant. And trying to decide how I am supposed to act around him next time we hang out. And... you know the rest.

My mind is exhausted from all of this. I want to just relax. I want to go with the flow. I want to trust that God is taking care of my heart and will work things out in a way that is best for me. I want to stop over-analyzing every little thing and trying to assign meanings to comments or looks that probably do not mean anything at all. You can tell me to do this (all my friends have), and I can tell myself to do this, and I can honestly believe that I need to do this... but then I just don't.

Instead, I think. Wonder. Analyze. Strategize. Plan. Worry. Stress. 

And get nowhere. :-/

Ideal Me

Random Dozen

Things in my life are rather melancholy right now - and probably boring to anyone other than me - so I'm just going to blow past them and do another set of "Wednesday's Random Dozen" questions. ;)

1. Do you prefer to read the book or see the movie?
See the movie. I used to enjoy reading fiction as a kid, but now I don't so much anymore. And I LOOOOVE movies. Love love love them.

2. What is your favorite holiday and why?
CHRISTMAS!! For every reason imaginable. I love everything about it - the music, the decorations, the buying of gifts, the fresh tree! And of course, most of all, what we are celebrating: the birth of my Savior. :) I'm that person you know who is obsessed with Christmas. That's me.

3. Which do you like better - the mountains or the beach?
Hmm.. close call, but probably the mountains. I think they're beautiful, and I think the mountains have more to offer than the beach. This might also be in part because I live near Lake Tahoe, the location of the most gorgeous alpine lake (with beaches) in the world. The best of both!! :D

4. If money were no consideration, what vehicle would you drive?
Honestly, the car I drive now is probably my dream car. My parents gave it to me as a gift when I graduated college. If I had the money I'd buy a newer one, but I'd probably still stick with this model.

5. What is your favorite cold-weather beverage?
Hot apple cider. I rarely order it though, because there's such a small window of drinkability between burn-your-mouth-off-hot and grossly-cold.

6. How do you communicate most often with your friends: phone, email, text, face-to-face, or Facebook?
Text! I'm a big time fan of texting. I rarely ever talk on the phone if I can help it, except with my sister because she and I have only had the ability to text within this past year. Second place would probably go to phone or facebook. Lately though, I've gotten a lot better at initiating face-to-face time with friends.

7. How do you receive your mail? Mailbox on the porch, at the end of the driveway, down the street, or post office box?
I live in an apartment complex, so the mailboxes are all by the apartment office.

8. Of the four basic personality types - sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic, and choleric - which is your strongest? Which is your least evident? (See definitions below.)
I'd say phlegmatic is most like me. I'm probably least choleric. Side note: I have never heard of these personality types before.

9. What do you miss the most about being 20?
Ohh goodness.. I thought I had things so figured out when I was 20. I was certain I would marry the man I was dating then, which consequently meant I would only have to work for a few more years before I could start raising a family. I had so little to be concerned about, compared with my life now. So, I guess that, the sense of carefree-ness.

10. How long from the time you get up, does it take you to get ready to walk out the door in the morning?
This varies depending on whether I do my makeup or curl my hair, but it's about 45 minutes to an hour.

11. Who handles the car maintenance and pays the bills in your family?
I pay the bills, because I live alone so there's no one else to do it. ;) My dad handles the car maintenance though. I buy the oil and take my car to his house and he changes it for me. Good old Dad. :)

12. For those in the US, how many states have you visited? For those outside the US, how many provinces/other countries have you visited?
I don't know, a lot of states! I'd guess probably 15? And 7 foreign countries. My parents love to travel and have taken me to a lot of amazing places, and I'm very grateful for that.

Personality type definitions courtesy Wikipedia:

Sanguine

The Sanguine temperament personality is fairly extroverted. People of a sanguine temperament tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be quite loud. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean very sensitive, compassionate and thoughtful. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when pursuing a new hobby, interest is lost quickly when it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. For some people, these are the ones you want to be friends with and usually they become life long friends.

Choleric

A person who is choleric is a doer. They have a lot of ambition, energy, and passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were cholerics. They like to be leaders and in charge of everything.

Melancholic

A person who is a thoughtful ponderer has a melancholic disposition. Often very considerate and get rather worried when they could not be on time for events, melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become occupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. A melancholic is also often a perfectionist. They are often self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is sometimes they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others.

Phlegmatic

Phlegmatics tend to be self-content and kind. They can be very accepting and affectionate. They may be very receptive and shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. They are very consistent, relaxed, rational, curious, and observant, making them good administrators and diplomats

Wednesday's Random Dozen is hosted at 2nd Cup of Coffee

Who Will Love Me For Me?

I've been trying to think of how to verbalize some of the things I've been feeling and thinking through for the past couple of weeks... and didn't find much success. But I've been thinking a lot about this song, and I think in a way these lyrics do it for me.

I struggle with finding my identity in men, and whether the one that I want does or doesn't want me back. My mood can change at the drop of a hat based on the attention he is or isn't paying to me. What it really comes down to is, I want to be loved. For me. Just as I am. 

How refreshing it is to remember that there already is someone who loves me for me. :)

What Love Really Means

JJ and Dave Heller

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

I "Got In His Way"

As a somewhat-newly single woman (I've been single since January but really only started "dating" a few months ago), I am trying to get the hang of what it looks like to be a single woman in a Christian community. I definitely desire to find the right man and begin a relationship. And there have been a few guys here and there that I've been interested in. It's kind of awkward though, because I have really not been out "on the market" since my freshman year of college - and that was a very different environment. Meeting and getting to know people required absolutely no effort at all back in college. They were just there all the time, and people just sort of seemed to fall into relationships without even trying.

But now, I am a grown up. I work with pretty much all married men in their 30's. I don't meet new people anywhere except for at church. Even with that, there are 1300+ people at my church, so it can be difficult to really get to know someone. Fortunately, we recently went through a series on dating. My pastor is very much a matchmaker, and since our church is so young and has a lot of singles, he gave a good amount of dating advice. It basically broke down to this...

Ladies: find a man you like, and "get in his way". Continually be in the places where he's at, and eventually he will notice you.

Men: look at the women who are "in your way", find one you like, and man up and initiate something.

So, okay. I'm doing what I was told. Today I listened to a Mark Driscoll podcast from the book of Ruth (recommended by the lovely Brittany), and he discussed what a woman should do if there is a man she's interested in. What Ruth did is, she dressed nicely and looked her best, and then went to the places where he'd be at.

I did that today.

I wore a cute new sweater that I bought on my probably ill-advised shopping spree yesterday, did my eye makeup (which I don't always), and tried to look my best. I also normally attend the 7pm service at my church, but today I went to the 5pm because that is the service Musician attends. I'd say it went well. We chatted for a little bit before the service, but then had to go sit down. Afterwards, we both awkwardly lingered in the lobby talking to other people for a long time (fun tidbit, he spent a lot of this time talking to and waiting with a severely disabled man who comes to our church, and also helped him out when his ride got there - SO CUTE). I ended up sitting and chatting with a friend, and he continued to sit near me (in my girly perception it seemed he was waiting for an opening to come talk to me) for like 1/2 an hour. Unfortunately my friend was really chatty and it could have seemed rude for him to cut in and start talking to me. He eventually left. My instinct is that he did seem interested in me - he talked to me, said "It's good to see you!", smiled a lot, and I think even winked at me once. But who really knows, because he is, after all, a boy.

But, I did my part! I got in his way, just like a good Christian woman is supposed to do. It's difficult to be so patient and passive though! I am, by nature, a pretty flirtatious person. I am finding it very challenging to just sit back and wait for him to pursue me (if he chooses to). I hope he will... but in the mean time I can get pretty crazy/obsessive wondering about it.

Have any of you out there done this whole "get in his way" thing? Does it really work? (I hope so!) ;)

Just a pretty picture... maybe this will be us someday. ;)

Age Is.. Just a Number?

Lately I've been feeling old. I will be 25 in February, which I have recently decided will be the official shift from "young adult" into just plain "adult." I am not super excited about it. I'm sure a large part of my discontent stems from the realization that I will not be married at any age younger than 25, which is very far off my original plan. I was sure I'd be married by 23 at the latest. Well, here I am without even a boyfriend, so that obviously won't be the case. Plus, a majority of my friends are younger than I am (one of my best friends turns 20 today). So, I feel old.

Add to this an interesting new tidbit: there is a new boy. I'm pretty sure I like him, even though it is very early on. And... he is 3 years younger than me. :-O This is a WAY new position for me to be in. I have never ever dated, or even liked, a guy that was any more than 6 months younger than me. I've always been attracted to older men. My ex, for example, was 4 1/2 years older than me (only two months younger than my sister, which was always weird). However, I was definitely the adult in that relationship. He often acted like a teenager. So, I feel like that could mean a couple of things with this new guy (we'll call him "Musician"): he could be similarly immature, and act like he's 16. Or, he could be a very mature guy, and the age difference could turn out to be not that big of a deal at all. Hopefully it's the latter!

One of my good friends told me an encouraging story about someone she knows who decided to give a younger guy a chance, and they have turned out perfectly happy together and will be marrying soon. I just have no experience in this area, though. I've considered dating guys that are as much as 7 or 8 years older than me, but younger than me just didn't really cross my mind until I met Musician (explanation for that: he is very cute, friendly, I've heard great things about him from a friend who knows him, and most importantly he is absolutely in love with the Lord).

What do you all think out there? Is it worth considering? Should I not even be concerned about the age?