And a chill pill for the lady, please.

You know what I'm realizing lately, particularly as a result of being a single woman who is looking to date?

I can be a very obsessive, neurotic person.

And I hate it.



Current Me

 I really don't think this used to be me. I spent the majority of my teen years single, and was never bothered by it. I typically always had a mild crush on at least one person, but I remained pretty casual about it in most cases. I didn't stress out too much over who liked me or who didn't. I was mostly content to go with the flow of things when it came to men.

So, you'd think that now that I am in my mid-20's I would have matured and become even less insecure, right? Wrong (apparently). It's so frustrating. This past month has been a roller coaster of "potentials" and my constantly varying perceptions of the way they are acting toward me. I, clearly, do not understand men at all and so I'm really just making blind guesses at where they are at and what they are thinking (which is, most likely, simply nothing).

There was Musician. He started out by paying a huge amount of attention to me in the beginning, so I felt reasonably certain that he was interested. And suddenly one day, not. The last couple times I've seen him have just been very friend-ly (in a sad way). I guess I missed something. Or not? Who even knows.

And now there is... a friend. That's all I will say for now. One of my closest friends really, who I had feelings for once (3 years ago) but who I was fairly sure I only wanted to be friends with at this point. Insert one intense, 2-hour conversation about love and dating this week, and I find myself thinking about him in a different way. A lot. And wondering what that conversation meant. And trying to decide how I am supposed to act around him next time we hang out. And... you know the rest.

My mind is exhausted from all of this. I want to just relax. I want to go with the flow. I want to trust that God is taking care of my heart and will work things out in a way that is best for me. I want to stop over-analyzing every little thing and trying to assign meanings to comments or looks that probably do not mean anything at all. You can tell me to do this (all my friends have), and I can tell myself to do this, and I can honestly believe that I need to do this... but then I just don't.

Instead, I think. Wonder. Analyze. Strategize. Plan. Worry. Stress. 

And get nowhere. :-/

Ideal Me

Random Dozen

Things in my life are rather melancholy right now - and probably boring to anyone other than me - so I'm just going to blow past them and do another set of "Wednesday's Random Dozen" questions. ;)

1. Do you prefer to read the book or see the movie?
See the movie. I used to enjoy reading fiction as a kid, but now I don't so much anymore. And I LOOOOVE movies. Love love love them.

2. What is your favorite holiday and why?
CHRISTMAS!! For every reason imaginable. I love everything about it - the music, the decorations, the buying of gifts, the fresh tree! And of course, most of all, what we are celebrating: the birth of my Savior. :) I'm that person you know who is obsessed with Christmas. That's me.

3. Which do you like better - the mountains or the beach?
Hmm.. close call, but probably the mountains. I think they're beautiful, and I think the mountains have more to offer than the beach. This might also be in part because I live near Lake Tahoe, the location of the most gorgeous alpine lake (with beaches) in the world. The best of both!! :D

4. If money were no consideration, what vehicle would you drive?
Honestly, the car I drive now is probably my dream car. My parents gave it to me as a gift when I graduated college. If I had the money I'd buy a newer one, but I'd probably still stick with this model.

5. What is your favorite cold-weather beverage?
Hot apple cider. I rarely order it though, because there's such a small window of drinkability between burn-your-mouth-off-hot and grossly-cold.

6. How do you communicate most often with your friends: phone, email, text, face-to-face, or Facebook?
Text! I'm a big time fan of texting. I rarely ever talk on the phone if I can help it, except with my sister because she and I have only had the ability to text within this past year. Second place would probably go to phone or facebook. Lately though, I've gotten a lot better at initiating face-to-face time with friends.

7. How do you receive your mail? Mailbox on the porch, at the end of the driveway, down the street, or post office box?
I live in an apartment complex, so the mailboxes are all by the apartment office.

8. Of the four basic personality types - sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic, and choleric - which is your strongest? Which is your least evident? (See definitions below.)
I'd say phlegmatic is most like me. I'm probably least choleric. Side note: I have never heard of these personality types before.

9. What do you miss the most about being 20?
Ohh goodness.. I thought I had things so figured out when I was 20. I was certain I would marry the man I was dating then, which consequently meant I would only have to work for a few more years before I could start raising a family. I had so little to be concerned about, compared with my life now. So, I guess that, the sense of carefree-ness.

10. How long from the time you get up, does it take you to get ready to walk out the door in the morning?
This varies depending on whether I do my makeup or curl my hair, but it's about 45 minutes to an hour.

11. Who handles the car maintenance and pays the bills in your family?
I pay the bills, because I live alone so there's no one else to do it. ;) My dad handles the car maintenance though. I buy the oil and take my car to his house and he changes it for me. Good old Dad. :)

12. For those in the US, how many states have you visited? For those outside the US, how many provinces/other countries have you visited?
I don't know, a lot of states! I'd guess probably 15? And 7 foreign countries. My parents love to travel and have taken me to a lot of amazing places, and I'm very grateful for that.

Personality type definitions courtesy Wikipedia:

Sanguine

The Sanguine temperament personality is fairly extroverted. People of a sanguine temperament tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be quite loud. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean very sensitive, compassionate and thoughtful. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when pursuing a new hobby, interest is lost quickly when it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. For some people, these are the ones you want to be friends with and usually they become life long friends.

Choleric

A person who is choleric is a doer. They have a lot of ambition, energy, and passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were cholerics. They like to be leaders and in charge of everything.

Melancholic

A person who is a thoughtful ponderer has a melancholic disposition. Often very considerate and get rather worried when they could not be on time for events, melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become occupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. A melancholic is also often a perfectionist. They are often self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is sometimes they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others.

Phlegmatic

Phlegmatics tend to be self-content and kind. They can be very accepting and affectionate. They may be very receptive and shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. They are very consistent, relaxed, rational, curious, and observant, making them good administrators and diplomats

Wednesday's Random Dozen is hosted at 2nd Cup of Coffee

Who Will Love Me For Me?

I've been trying to think of how to verbalize some of the things I've been feeling and thinking through for the past couple of weeks... and didn't find much success. But I've been thinking a lot about this song, and I think in a way these lyrics do it for me.

I struggle with finding my identity in men, and whether the one that I want does or doesn't want me back. My mood can change at the drop of a hat based on the attention he is or isn't paying to me. What it really comes down to is, I want to be loved. For me. Just as I am. 

How refreshing it is to remember that there already is someone who loves me for me. :)

What Love Really Means

JJ and Dave Heller

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

I "Got In His Way"

As a somewhat-newly single woman (I've been single since January but really only started "dating" a few months ago), I am trying to get the hang of what it looks like to be a single woman in a Christian community. I definitely desire to find the right man and begin a relationship. And there have been a few guys here and there that I've been interested in. It's kind of awkward though, because I have really not been out "on the market" since my freshman year of college - and that was a very different environment. Meeting and getting to know people required absolutely no effort at all back in college. They were just there all the time, and people just sort of seemed to fall into relationships without even trying.

But now, I am a grown up. I work with pretty much all married men in their 30's. I don't meet new people anywhere except for at church. Even with that, there are 1300+ people at my church, so it can be difficult to really get to know someone. Fortunately, we recently went through a series on dating. My pastor is very much a matchmaker, and since our church is so young and has a lot of singles, he gave a good amount of dating advice. It basically broke down to this...

Ladies: find a man you like, and "get in his way". Continually be in the places where he's at, and eventually he will notice you.

Men: look at the women who are "in your way", find one you like, and man up and initiate something.

So, okay. I'm doing what I was told. Today I listened to a Mark Driscoll podcast from the book of Ruth (recommended by the lovely Brittany), and he discussed what a woman should do if there is a man she's interested in. What Ruth did is, she dressed nicely and looked her best, and then went to the places where he'd be at.

I did that today.

I wore a cute new sweater that I bought on my probably ill-advised shopping spree yesterday, did my eye makeup (which I don't always), and tried to look my best. I also normally attend the 7pm service at my church, but today I went to the 5pm because that is the service Musician attends. I'd say it went well. We chatted for a little bit before the service, but then had to go sit down. Afterwards, we both awkwardly lingered in the lobby talking to other people for a long time (fun tidbit, he spent a lot of this time talking to and waiting with a severely disabled man who comes to our church, and also helped him out when his ride got there - SO CUTE). I ended up sitting and chatting with a friend, and he continued to sit near me (in my girly perception it seemed he was waiting for an opening to come talk to me) for like 1/2 an hour. Unfortunately my friend was really chatty and it could have seemed rude for him to cut in and start talking to me. He eventually left. My instinct is that he did seem interested in me - he talked to me, said "It's good to see you!", smiled a lot, and I think even winked at me once. But who really knows, because he is, after all, a boy.

But, I did my part! I got in his way, just like a good Christian woman is supposed to do. It's difficult to be so patient and passive though! I am, by nature, a pretty flirtatious person. I am finding it very challenging to just sit back and wait for him to pursue me (if he chooses to). I hope he will... but in the mean time I can get pretty crazy/obsessive wondering about it.

Have any of you out there done this whole "get in his way" thing? Does it really work? (I hope so!) ;)

Just a pretty picture... maybe this will be us someday. ;)

Age Is.. Just a Number?

Lately I've been feeling old. I will be 25 in February, which I have recently decided will be the official shift from "young adult" into just plain "adult." I am not super excited about it. I'm sure a large part of my discontent stems from the realization that I will not be married at any age younger than 25, which is very far off my original plan. I was sure I'd be married by 23 at the latest. Well, here I am without even a boyfriend, so that obviously won't be the case. Plus, a majority of my friends are younger than I am (one of my best friends turns 20 today). So, I feel old.

Add to this an interesting new tidbit: there is a new boy. I'm pretty sure I like him, even though it is very early on. And... he is 3 years younger than me. :-O This is a WAY new position for me to be in. I have never ever dated, or even liked, a guy that was any more than 6 months younger than me. I've always been attracted to older men. My ex, for example, was 4 1/2 years older than me (only two months younger than my sister, which was always weird). However, I was definitely the adult in that relationship. He often acted like a teenager. So, I feel like that could mean a couple of things with this new guy (we'll call him "Musician"): he could be similarly immature, and act like he's 16. Or, he could be a very mature guy, and the age difference could turn out to be not that big of a deal at all. Hopefully it's the latter!

One of my good friends told me an encouraging story about someone she knows who decided to give a younger guy a chance, and they have turned out perfectly happy together and will be marrying soon. I just have no experience in this area, though. I've considered dating guys that are as much as 7 or 8 years older than me, but younger than me just didn't really cross my mind until I met Musician (explanation for that: he is very cute, friendly, I've heard great things about him from a friend who knows him, and most importantly he is absolutely in love with the Lord).

What do you all think out there? Is it worth considering? Should I not even be concerned about the age?

Happiness vs. Holiness

One of the many books I'm currently "reading" (which, in some cases, means the book is sitting on either my coffee table or nightstand but has not been opened in weeks or months) is Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands by Paul David Tripp. Actually, I just finished it tonight, and it was really amazing. And very relevant for me right now. Tonight I came across a quote in there that I just LOVED, and want to share:

"We forget that God's primary goal is not changing our situations and relationships so that we can be happy, but changing us through our situations and relationships so that we will be holy."

How true! I think I need a reminder of this every day. It is SO easy to become completely self-absorbed, only thinking about and only praying about the things that will make me most comfortable/happy/satisfied. But I need to remember, it isn't about what makes me happy. Yes, sometimes God's plans bring me great satisfaction. But sometimes they do not. And there is always a reason for that. God is using my situations, relationships, and everything else in my life (even my own mistakes and sins) to make me more holy, more like Him. And that should be more than enough for me. :)

Also, I heard this song on my way home from an ice cream date with one of my best friends, and I just loved it. So I'll share that too:

Success

I did it. I went shopping, and I got 5 of the 6 things on my wish list!! I am the proud new owner of:

Not one sweater dress, but TWO!! This one from Kohl's, plus another grey and black one from Marshall's....

Super cute new ballet flats (which are surprisingly comfortable!)...

And even a fashionable belt, a super pretty scarf, and some leggings (which I'm not posting a picture of, because that's clearly very boring).

Tomorrow I'm going to wear a whole new ensemble of these things, and I'm super excited about it. I will be at church ALL day, which means I'm going to see pretty much everyone I know - including "First Post-Breakup Crush" guy - so I may as well look cute. ;)

Fashionista? Me?

Confession: I am not very trendy or fashionable. I wear clothes that are nice enough, but I pretty much wear jeans every day and probably 60% of my wardrobe is from Old Navy. I always see things that I think are super cute, but I just feel like "That isn't me" so I end up buying something plain. Classic. Boring.

I want to go shopping this weekend, and I want to get these things:

A sweater dress (or two or three...)

 Leggings to wear with my new sweater dress. I've been trying for months to muster up the courage to get a dress and leggings, because I always see people wearing them and they're so super cute. Plus I'm always cold, so I feel like this is a good option for me.

Ballet flats. Another thing that I always think looks cute, but I don't have the guts to buy for some reason. I feel like if I wear something trendy like this, people will be able to tell that I'm not REALLY trendy and that I'm just pretending.

Soft, fuzzy boots. I think I'd only wear them on the weekends, because at work I'd feel like they are slippers. But I only work 4 days a week anyway, so I think this would be a good investment.

A thin, pretty scarf that isn't beige or grey or brown or black. An actual COLOR. Even though it won't "match everything." I'm sick of buying things that are boring colors just because they'll go with everything. So what if I wear a brown sweater and a purple scarf, right?

And perhaps, even a fashionable belt to wear with my new dress or with something else.

It will definitely be interesting to see if I actually get any of these things. Either way, wish me luck! :)

Things I've Thought Today #1

So I used to do this thing on Facebook, where I would post a note entitled "Things I've Thought Today." It was just a random collection of thoughts/musings I had, and people really seemed to enjoy them. I think even back then I felt the urge to blog, because this feels like something that transfers perfectly into this format. So, I'm going to start doing it here. :)

To give you a little background on me, here are the things I thought on June 28, 2010:

"1. Sunburn + being in the sun + bra straps = OUCH.

2. I guess I really like to write things in the "__ + __ = __" format. I do that in my status updates a lot. Maybe on a subconscious level, I really enjoy math?

3. It is highly possible that I have an addiction to shopping. Which is weird, because if you knew me in high school you might remember that I hated going shopping. Maybe now those 18 years of repressed shopping desire are all spilling out.

4. When I meet a stranger and find out that person is also a Christian, I feel happy inside. Like I somehow know them already. :)

5. I have never gotten a traffic ticket (except for parking), and I have never caused a car accident. Despite these facts, I actually do not think I am a very great driver. It sucks to admit that, but it's probably the truth. :-P

6. In my opinion, texting is one of the greatest technological advancements we've had in recent years. Some would argue that it replaces actual conversation and that's bad, but in my experience it's the opposite. I have a lot more contact with people via texting that I wouldn't have otherwise, because we're not in a phone call-friendly relationship, or because I don't have that much to say all at once.

7. I got my hair cut on Friday, and I'm not happy with it. But at least 5 people at church yesterday told me it looked super cute. So, maybe it does... or maybe everyone just likes to be polite. :)

8. Surprise savings are the best! Today I went to Borders to buy a particular book. It wasn't marked on sale, but when she rang it up I unexpectedly saved 33%. How fun!

9. Sometimes it can take months, or even years, of knowing a person before you realize how much you have in common with them. This has happened to me a lot recently. So, just because someone in your life is much older or younger than you, in a different stage of life, a different gender, a different political leaning, or whatever: don't dismiss them. You never know how valuable a friend that person may turn out to be.

10. I still miss my old friends. There are many of you that I used to be super close friends with, and now for one reason or another we are just acquaintances. In most cases no hard feelings are involved, we just drifted apart. But just know that I miss you.

11. I. Love. Wearing. Skirts. I don't know why. ;)

12. I really want to go on a vacation with a girlfriend of mine!

13. For some reason I always feel a little weird referring to my female friends as "girlfriends," even though it's quite common.

14. I am going on a mission trip to Guatemala in August, and I am TOTALLY excited and TOTALLY scared all at once. It's awesome. :D"

Again, that was from June, so I have since gone on the Guatemala trip (which was INCREDIBLE). Weird timing that I posted this now though, because I actually also just got a haircut - on Saturday this time - and I don't know if I'm crazy about it. :P

Keep an eye out for more things I've thought... :D

Kicking and Screaming

I was literally just seconds away from starting to write this blog, in which I was going to complain about how no matter WHAT the temperature is outside, and no matter WHAT I set the thermostat to, the air conditioning in my office (which is conveniently right above my desk) is always, always, always on. It's freezing. It can be 5 degrees outside and the AC still blows on me full blast. At all times. I could write an entire book on the saga of my office temperature. Right now my fingers are turning white. And then, magically, just as I started to type, it turned off!! FINALLY! No more cold air on me all day!!! :-D

.... Oh wait. Just kidding. It came back on before I could finish that paragraph. I should just quit my job.

Anyways, back to the topic of this blog: doing-what-God-calls-me-to-do-even-if-it-sucks. Lately, after many years of closing my eyes and ears, I have again started listening to God and trying to obey what he is asking me to do. Sometimes it is horribly painful (i.e. breaking up with The Ex Boyfriend) and sometimes decidedly easier. Last night I became aware of the next way that God is challenging me to step outside of my comfort zone.

I am part of a Community Group (small group Bible study) at my church. These girls mean the world to me. I've been in the group for a couple of years, but we have split twice since I joined, so the people in it have changed somewhat. Our last split (which we have to do every time the group gets too big) happened in March, and I was pretty heartbroken about it. Well, last night the news I had been expecting, and dreading, was delivered: we are splitting "branching" once again. Because I am a quasi-leader, it has already been decided which group I will be in. And, well... I had to hold back tears when we talked about it. Four of the girls that I am closest to and adore the most will be in the other group. No more seeing them every week, sharing our hearts and lives with each other.

This is really an exercise in trust for me - trusting that God is placing me where He can use me most effectively, even if it is uncomfortable for me (which it very much is). I feel that I am called to lead a Community Group soon, and the way this split is happening might work out better eventually in that respect. I am being placed with a lot of the younger girls (and separated from the only other person in our group who is my age and post-college), who I can hopefully lead and counsel well. But it's challenging. I am going to be very sad to separate from some of my dearest friends. We'll say, as we always do, "Let's still hang out all the time!" But we won't. That's just the way these things go.

At this moment I think God is saying to me, "You have grown tremendously in me this past year. You have been able to turn to and lean on these women for support through some of the toughest times in your life. And now, it is time for you to invest in them. This group is not just about you being fed; it's also very much about how you can be used to impact others. Trust me. I know what I'm doing."

Okay, God. I trust you. Even though it hurts. Even though I sobbed in bed last night about it, and even though I know there will be more tears once we have to tell the rest of the group about this. Even though I am surprised and a little confused at the way you are doing this, and it doesn't at all fit into what my plan was. Even though __________.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
                and lean not on your own understanding;  

in all your ways acknowledge him,
             and he will make your paths straight."

                             Proverbs 3:5-6



Sillyness at U-Swirl



 



Eat Pray Love

I just saw this movie tonight. I've never read the book, and honestly didn't even think the movie looked that great but I had heard it was good and I was in the mood for a movie.

I LOVED IT.

Afterwards my friends and I were talking about what we thought, and I said, "I loved it! And I'm pretty sure it was written about me." Seriously. I haven't seen a movie that I related to so much in a looooong time. She and I have so much in common. She didn't know how to be alone, or what kind of person she was without a man to lean on. She tried so hard to be what he wanted, or just to force it to work even though she knew in her heart it wasn't supposed to.  

One quote really stuck out to me (I don't remember it exactly and couldn't find it online, but something like):

"We both deserve better than to stay miserable together just because we are afraid we'll be destroyed if we don't." 

What a spot-on summary of the entire last year of my last relationship. I honestly couldn't have put it into words any better than this.

Other quotes I loved from this movie, that also felt like my life:

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

"The only thing more impossible than staying was leaving."

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."

"It won't last forever. Nothing does."

For me, it is such a great feeling to watch something that portrays SO many of my deepest emotions and thoughts. It's a reminder that no matter what I feel, I am never alone in it. So, basically, I loved this movie. That's all for today. :)

Randomness From Today

I did not expect to have a good day today. But, amazingly and surprisingly, I did. Thanks, God. :)

The day was kind of all over the place, so I'm just going to divide this blog into completely unrelated and nonsensical chunks, and hope you're willing to follow along.

Providence

Today, my boss (who is freaking awesome, by the way) let me leave early. I intended to stop at the store on my way home and buy pumpkins -- because this weekend I'm going to have a "pumpkin day" and prepare helpings of freshly roasted pumpkin to use throughout the fall in pies, cupcakes, cookies, whatever -- but I got off the freeway and turned left instead of right. Past the store. So, oh well, I'll go tomorrow. I got home early and decided to immediately take Penny for a walk.

On our walk, something strange happened. We were just passing the school I live by when suddenly in front of me was a little girl, about 1 1/2 - 2 years old, wandering around on the sidewalk alone. Wearing just a shirt and diaper, not even any shoes. She walked toward me and yelled "Mom" a couple of times, and then tried to play with my dog. I stopped and started to ask her where her mom was, where her house was, but she didn't answer. A couple of other neighbors in the area had seen her wandering and also didn't know where she had come from. So, this other nice lady and I walked around for a little while with her, looking for anyone in their yard or car who appeared to be looking for her. No one. We were hesitant to immediately call the police, for fear of getting a good parent into trouble, but eventually we had no choice. Just before the police showed up, so did her family. Our guilt about having called the authorities subsided when we were told that this mother had previous encounters with child protective services. :(

This precious little girl was wandering right next to the street. She could have been hit by a car. Also, in my city we have recently had a very unusual and alarming rash of attempted child luring cases. She could have been found by someone unkind, with poor intentions. I thank God that he placed myself and the other woman (also a Christian, interestingly) in her path so that we could keep her safe and handle the situation appropriately. He works in strange ways sometimes, but his ways are always perfect.

Sillyness

I returned from the walk to find a bunch of voice mails on my phone. One of them was a practical joke from a coworker. I have to leave out some details of the nature of this instance, but let's just say that it involved a solicitation for something, and a "call girl" reference of some kind. If you knew where I worked or who I work with, this would make sense. But suffice it to say: it made me laugh. I always appreciate a laugh. And a lot of the time, I just want to be noticed and included by my coworkers, even if it means they are having fun at my expense. :D

Simple Pleasures

It's Friday night. I am single and over 21. And my plans for tonight are to watch a movie at my house, perhaps with a friend if she comes over. The best part is the movie we might watch. Yesterday, one of my absolute FAVORITE movies of all time came in the mail - Beauty and the Beast!!! I pre-ordered this from Amazon months ago (my first ever pre-order of anything, in my life) and it finally came. I've wanted this movie for years, but thanks to Disney's "vault" policy I have come up empty until now. I'm so excited to watch it. I love it, and I always will, I don't care how old I am. ;)

Me, Of Little Faith

Tonight I was flipping aimlessly through my Bible, which I often do, hoping that the "right" piece of scripture will jump out at me. I came to and read the story in Matthew of Jesus walking on the water. I've read this story a ton of times, but I absolutely love it. For some reason this short, simple story is so very powerful for me.

     Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

 But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." "Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." "Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."  (Matthew 14:23-33)

There are a lot of times that I read about something Peter did and I feel as if I'm exactly like him, and this is definitely one of those times. Jesus is right there with me, telling me that I can trust him and all I need to do is keep my eyes on him. For a moment I do.. but then the wind comes. I turn my face away and look at the wind - the heartbreak, the fear, the struggle - and I let it change me. I lose faith. I stop trusting. And I sink.
 
What happens next is what really touches my heart. "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." Immediately. Jesus doesn't allow Peter to drown. He doesn't even allow Peter to sink deeper and struggle in the water, trying to keep his head up, paying for his mistake before eventually pulling him out. Jesus could have looked upon Peter doing that, while saying, "See what you've done? You put yourself here. Now find your way out." No. Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. He looks at me in my moment of falling and says no, I will not let you fall. I've got you.
 

"You of little faith, why did you doubt?"

 
This verse is SO very applicable to my life. I can picture Jesus there beside me when I constantly doubt, wondering why I don't just trust him. What I like to picture is that I am a little girl, and Jesus is teaching me to ride my first bike. I make him promise that he won't let go of it, so he holds on. And I start pedaling. But then, I get scared. I think "What if he lets go? What if he already has? He's distracted by something else. He's not paying attention to me. I'm going to screw it up, again." So I panic, and swerve, and crash. I doubted. All the while, Jesus had never let go. He picks me up, kisses my scraped up knees, and gently asks me, his daughter, "Why did you doubt? I was right here, just like I promised."
 
 

 
I know he's there. I don't know why I doubt. In the deepest places of my heart, I know he will never let me sink.

People Will Fail You

One of my current struggles (one of many, trust me) is a general feeling of disappointment with the people around me. I guess I have been feeling like this for a while, but right now it seems several of these stories have come to the surface and I'm noticing them even more.

Don't get me wrong - I am a wonderfully blessed woman with many amazing people in my life. I have friends like Brittany who have absolutely always been there for me no matter what horrible mess I've gotten myself into, and always will be. I have parents that love me very much, and a sister who I could tell anything to, even though I don't because I worry what she would think of me.

But I also have some people around who let me down. Sometimes more than once. Particularly, men. For example:

The Childhood Crush: The guy I liked from the ages of 13 through.. I'm not sure.. I'd probably still like him now if he were single. No matter how badly he treated me (he did), I continually ignored it and still pined for him. I wasted many years ignoring good men around me in favor of wishing and hoping he'd change his mind and one day appreciate me. He didn't.

The Horny Online Friend: We used to be friends in real life, and then he moved away. For about 8 months he would only talk to me online when he was in a *certain* mood. A few months ago, he vowed to make a change and to start treating me with respect and being a true friend to me. Since that date he has initiated precisely ZERO conversations with me. I even ran into him at a wedding recently, at which he vowed to call me and get together while he was in town. He did not.

The First Post-Breakup Crush: This one probably really is a great guy, but he isn't who I've created him in my head to be. For a while now I have, over and over, convinced myself that there are subtle signs he is interested in me, even though all real evidence points to the contrary. Worst of it is, I think he knows how I feel, and tends to take advantage of it sometimes.

The Drama King Friend: The first several years of our friendship consisted of him disliking me and me trying to bend over backwards to change his opinion. Recently we had our friendship restored in an amazing way, which I am very thankful for. Yesterday he even came through for me and talked me through an emotional breakdown. But even so, today I texted him trying to talk about a serious situation we're both dealing with, only to receive a response that he doesn't want to talk. Fantastic.

The Ex Boyfriend: Obviously, the one with the most attachment to my heart. I spent 4 years with this man. I gave him my whole heart. And in many ways he loved me well. But there were always things, here and there, that I knew I shouldn't have to put up with but that I chose to overlook because I was so invested in him. Eventually I broke up with him. I have remained close friends with him. But now I am painfully being forced to realize that he may not be the great man I wanted to believe he was. I can't begin to describe what that feeling is like.

My general feeling about all of them right now is: I should have known. I shouldn't have expected the best when I had experienced the worst. I should have become jaded and cynical so I wouldn't be let down anymore. But isn't that a sad existence? Which is worse: to see the best in people and be proven wrong, or to see the worst in them and be proven right?

Today, the only thing I know for sure is that this saying is true:

People will fail you. God won't.

Praise the Lord for that.

Who Am I?

I suppose it's only fair that I post a "get to know me" blog, so you have some vague idea of who you're reading from. Sometimes my thoughts can be all over the place, especially when it comes to describing myself, but I'll try to keep them along some sort of topical lines. Here goes:

This is the theme of my life right now -- As a very wise woman of the Lord recently told me, "We make a plan, so that God can change the plan."

I am 24 years old. I'm single. This was not at ALL the way I thought my life would go. I was sure I'd get married right out of college (which ended 3 years ago), and probably be ready to have kids within the next year or two. Well... such is life. Things change. I spent the majority of my adult life (ages 19-23) dating a man who I was absolutely sure I would marry. In January, I made probably the toughest decision of my life and broke up with him. I didn't think I'd survive it, but miraculously I did. I'm sure you will hear mentions of him as the blog goes on.

Even at the time I graduated college, I didn't really know what I was going to do with my life. God placed a job into my lap - twice - and now I know it is exactly where he wants me to be. I work in an office full of men. I am the only single woman, and one of only two people in my 20's, so needless to say I'm kind of the oddball there. But, it's great. I'll let you know ahead of time that even if I complain about my job at times, I am incredibly blessed to be there.

I love, love, love my dog. My family is pretty much obsessed with dachshunds (between all of us we have 6 of them). Mine is a beautiful little girl named Penny. She's going to be 3 in January. Right now she is munching away on her breakfast and sounding so adorable.



Penny, at about 5 months old. Her hair is much longer now.

 I have one sister, who is 4 1/2 years older than me. I love her more than anything, and I've so much missed her during the years she has been away (10 years in the Air Force, including 1 in Korea and 3 in Japan). She is married to a great man, and they have a 1 year old son. He is the absolute cutest boy in the entire world. Period. :P

My sister, Krystal and nephew, Jacob

I have been saved by the Lord. I am a Christian, which means I know that Jesus is my savior and I have given my life to him. I accepted Christ at age 15, and there have definitely been ups and down since then. I've gone through periods of intense passion for the Lord, as well as periods of rebellion against him. The past year of my life has been filled with a "revival" of my faith, so to speak, and I hope to never turn back. In August I went on a mission trip to Guatemala, and that experience changed my life forever. I have seen in my life and the lives of those around me that no matter how badly we mess up, God is always right there with a tissue and a kiss, ready to comfort us and bring us back to him. It's surprising, beautiful and amazing.

And, random other things: I love to bake. I continually bring yummy treats into work, and subsequently get scolded because the guys are perpetually "on a diet." I love movies. My favorite movie is You've Got Mail. I also really like inspirational, true-story movies like Apollo 13 and Rudy. I cry like a baby when I watch those movies, even for the 25th time. I tend to be kind of lazy. I'm thin, and that is 100% genetics and 0% eating healthy/working out (neither of which I do). People hate me for it, which really bothers me. I care very much about my friends, and particuarly the girls in my small group at church. My favorite color is red, and if you spent 5 seconds in my apartment you would immediately know that. I don't stay up very late, especially for my age. I don't drink alcohol very often. I drink soda waaaayy too often. I have probably 5 half-read books sitting on my coffee table and nightstand. I let things in the fridge expire all the time. I eat too much pizza. I hate cleaning. I love fall. :)

So, that's me for now. You'll learn more as we go forward. :)

Welcome!!

So. This is my blog. :)

I will immediately confess that I totally don't know what I'm doing here, but here I am anyway. My very bestest friend blogs and I am obsessed with hers, and she's been encouraging me to have a blog of my own. So here I am! I wish I had an amazing and insightful topic to write about for my first entry, but I don't. Today was tough and right now I don't even have the capacity to try something like that. So instead, I found this thing called "Wednesday's Random Dozen" and I'm going to do that. ;)

1. Is there a word which you initially mispronounced? Were the circumstances in which you made the faux pas embarrassing? By the way, that's not "foax pass."

I bet there are words I still mispronounce. Whenever I say "caveat" I wonder if I'm saying it wrong. I still don't know. Maybe I never will.

2. How do you feel about the use of texting shortcuts and trends? (ex: "I've got ur notes. Get them 2 u 2morow.")

HATE THEM. Ironically, the people who use them most in my life are people older than me, like my boss. I text with complete words and sentences and punctuation. I'm also known as the grammar police at my office.

3. Tell me about your high school senior picture. Please feel free to post.

Not sure what to say about it, but here it is:

I thought of what to say: my eyebrows = yuck. haha

5. Share a high school or college homecoming memory.

For high school homecoming, I went with a boy that I had liked for a while. We had the most awkward kiss on the history of the planet. He never took me out again, but strung me along for several more months before I got sick of it. He was pretty much a loser. I later found out that he had told his friends he didn't have time to date me... because he spent too much time playing video games. Wow.

6. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Hmm.. probably sunrises, despite how much I hate getting up early. Sunrises are pretty much always gorgeous.

7. What is something you have not done that you desire to do?

I desire to learn how to play the piano. Maybe someday...

8. If you could come back [in another life] as an animal, which would it be?

I really don't have any desire at all to be an animal. But if I had to choose, I guess a dog. Because my dog has a pretty sweet life. ;)

9. Where were you 10 years ago?

I was in the first semester of my freshman year of high school. I had crushes on a million boys. I played soccer which I sucked at. And I had really short, very highlighted (almost blonde) hair.

10. When you are proven to be correct in any contentious discussion, do you gloat?

Not outwardly, but probably on the inside. I have a compulsion to be right, especially with a boyfriend. :-/

11. What is your favorite food which includes the ingredient "caramel?"

Probably caramel apples, especially Mrs. Prindable's from QVC. I order them every year for Christmas and give them to all my coworkers. So yummy!!

12. If you could be part of any fictional family, which family would you choose and why?

Hmm... the Matthews family from Boy Meets World. Not sure why, except that the parents were so awesome. And, Eric's best friend was sooooooo gorgeous. :D

Also... I don't know where question #4 is. Weird.

"Wednesday's Random Dozen" is hosted here: 2nd Cup of Coffee