And a chill pill for the lady, please.

You know what I'm realizing lately, particularly as a result of being a single woman who is looking to date?

I can be a very obsessive, neurotic person.

And I hate it.



Current Me

 I really don't think this used to be me. I spent the majority of my teen years single, and was never bothered by it. I typically always had a mild crush on at least one person, but I remained pretty casual about it in most cases. I didn't stress out too much over who liked me or who didn't. I was mostly content to go with the flow of things when it came to men.

So, you'd think that now that I am in my mid-20's I would have matured and become even less insecure, right? Wrong (apparently). It's so frustrating. This past month has been a roller coaster of "potentials" and my constantly varying perceptions of the way they are acting toward me. I, clearly, do not understand men at all and so I'm really just making blind guesses at where they are at and what they are thinking (which is, most likely, simply nothing).

There was Musician. He started out by paying a huge amount of attention to me in the beginning, so I felt reasonably certain that he was interested. And suddenly one day, not. The last couple times I've seen him have just been very friend-ly (in a sad way). I guess I missed something. Or not? Who even knows.

And now there is... a friend. That's all I will say for now. One of my closest friends really, who I had feelings for once (3 years ago) but who I was fairly sure I only wanted to be friends with at this point. Insert one intense, 2-hour conversation about love and dating this week, and I find myself thinking about him in a different way. A lot. And wondering what that conversation meant. And trying to decide how I am supposed to act around him next time we hang out. And... you know the rest.

My mind is exhausted from all of this. I want to just relax. I want to go with the flow. I want to trust that God is taking care of my heart and will work things out in a way that is best for me. I want to stop over-analyzing every little thing and trying to assign meanings to comments or looks that probably do not mean anything at all. You can tell me to do this (all my friends have), and I can tell myself to do this, and I can honestly believe that I need to do this... but then I just don't.

Instead, I think. Wonder. Analyze. Strategize. Plan. Worry. Stress. 

And get nowhere. :-/

Ideal Me